I, for one, can never get enough Zombie. Give me your poor, your weak, your slow undead masses. Allow me to watch thee on a Sunday morning, while snowed inside of my house, chugging coffee while unsuccessfully convincing myself that I am not excited about your inevitable arrival. Let me bask in your in your blood drenched social commentary while perfecting my already infallible contingency plan.
Obviously, many Zombie movies have been released in the last decade. Some rip off older classics, some pay homage to their fore bearers, and some are deliberately campy. One movie contained a vast amount of social commentary, comedy, and Romero-style ghouls (Shaun of the Dead), and a different movie changed the way in which we view the modern Zombie (28 Days Later). Remarkably, as of last weeks Blu-Ray and DVD release, one more movie managed to combined all of the aforementioned qualities, the aptly named 'ZombieLand'.
Shaun, to those that are familiar, is the prodigal undead son coming home for his fatted calf (baby cow OR back of a human leg). It is the commentary that we wanted, the Zombified neighbors and co-workers we wished for, and redemptive justification for the slacker hero and loser side-kick who finally get their chance to save the day. In short, it is the savior that we, as Zombie Nation had waited and yearned for.
However, not all of the news has been good. With respect to Danny Boyle, but because of and in spite of his '28' franchise, we the Zombie loving public have been bombarded with an army of Rage inspired monsters.
My un undead friends, this is a trend that has to end. Don't get me wrong or confuse my message. I want to make it clear that Boyle's movies (the former as a director and the latter as executive producer), as well as 'ZombieLand' are chock full of social commentary, suspense, and gore, but that the imitators have to stop.
We, as a movie going public, have to demand a return to the slow, plodding Zombies that represent the best and worst of us. We have to implore film makers to stop the virus infected hordes that hunt us down and multiply quickly. We have to insist the dramatic buildup is superior to superfluous and gratuitous violence. We need not watch Zombie movies that are inspired by VIDEO games. We Demand Savini and We Demand Satisfaction.
There is something inherently wrong about an 'infected' villain being shot and bleeding out and dying, and then NOT getting up for more. There is something wrong about an 'infected' over weight Midwestern soccer mom ripping to shreds a non-'infected' triathlete. There is something inherently amiss about the 'infected' starving to death. In Romero-land, these antagonists (and in the case of 'Land of the Dead', the protagonists) only cease their reanimated missions after the head is removed and the brain is destroyed. Call me a purist, but I like my zombies slow, lumbering, and hungry for brains and not revenge.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Sunday, February 22, 2009
State of the Blame
Four Words that used to have a lot of meaning in my life have considerably lost all importance. Four Words that meant Winter was on its way out and that Spring was just around the corner. Four Words for hope springing eternal. I no longer care for these Four Words: Pitchers and Catchers Report.
Where to begin? Bud Selig, Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, or the exuberant salaries and the ever present threat of a work stoppage. Okay, I'll start with Bud Selig. Owners should not become commissioners. Isn't that a conflict of interest? How could he be trusted to have the best interests of the game at heart when he stands to gain financially when his team does well. Sure, his daughter is the proper owner of the Brewers, but even having a child run a team in a league you are commissioner of is dirty pool. He should have been forced to sell all interests of the Brewers to a non-family member. Nepotism for Nerds.
Another one of Bud's bad decisions is to have the winning team of the All-Star game have home field advantage during the World Series. This ultimately puts the fans - and other assorted nut jobs like myself - in a position to determine the outcome of the World Series, as the fans vote for the starters, and the starters obviously influence the outcome. Sure my All-Star ballot is a shrine to perfection and my choices are impeccable. But YOU? How can I trust YOU to make the right choice. YOU probably voted for your hometown first baseman instead of Albert Pujols, or the scrappy veteran third baseman who signed your kid's baseball in spring training instead of David Wright. Way to go jerk. Way to give the American League (meaning either the Yankees or Red Sox) home field advantage in the world series. Way to go Bud.
At least the Alex Rodriguez train wreck has been interesting. Steroids, Blaming his cousin for putting the idea in his head, AND Madonna. Outstanding. Personally I think he got the steroids from Madge. Have you seen her arms lately? She makes Linda Hamilton from Terminator Two look like Dakota Fanning. Yikes. A-Rod will never be Derek Jeter, for whom I most certainly do not have a man-crush and have never been associated with a stalking charge. (Derek, if your reading this, please return my phone calls. I know you're at home.) A-Rod is the biggest star on the sport's biggest stage and he is guilty of using performance enhancing drugs. Although it seems pretty obvious that he never took 'roids when the game was on the line. His press conference was phony, his tone was insincere he never stuck up for Joe Torre, AND his teammates ALL hate him. Speaking of Jerk-Ass Yankees on steroids....
Isn't it completely awesome that Roger Clemens has perjured himself and that Andy Pettite has to be his Judas Iscariot? The best pitcher in my lifetime, who has won SEVEN Cy Young awards, over 300 hundred wins, and 4600 strikeouts was more juiced than a yuppie leaving Jamba, talking on an iPhone and driving a Land Rover. Through the years Clemens has proven himself to be a liar, an adulterer, (Mediocre Country & Western Singer Mindy McCready - beginning when she was 15 years old. That's right 15 years old. Go ahead and read that again if you need too. Is there a Statute of Limitations on Statutory Rape?), criminally wreckless in his "payback" of players who have historically hit him well (Mike Piazza. Enough Said.), and the Ultimate Me-First guy who was never afraid to hold a franchise hostage for just a little more money and and a lot more attention. He and Brett Favre are two 1st Ballot Hall of Fame Jerk-Asses.
Next on today's docket. Barry Lamar Bonds. The son a baseball great and the Godson of Willie Mays, baseball is in his DNA. It is his pedigree. Barry, unlike Clemens, Sosa, McGuire, et al was a sure-fire Hall of Famer before he used. He was going to get 500 Home Run AND 500 Stolen Bases. No one else has accomplished that in the history of the game. He just got greedy. After arriving in San Fransisco and REALLY hitting the Human Growth Hormone, Barry's head and feet grew. That's right. His shoe size went from a 10.5 to a 13.0. Isn't that completely disgusting? Check out this article:
http://www.slate.com/id/2178288/
So yeah, the game is pretty gross right now. Yesterday at Target I saw a young kid in a Mets hat. If I wouldn't have come across as an early 30's weirdo, I would have tried to convince the kid to turn his back on the game, and specifically my Mets. My Mets are becoming more and more classless. The players have no desire to win (two prolific late season melt downs in the last two years) and the management is looking more and more inept. And while Willie Randolph was never quite the right fit, he shouldn't have been fired in the middle of the night, after the first game of a huge West Coast road trip, and more specifically after a win. In the simplest terms and the most convenient definition, the Mets are a joke.
At dinner a few weeks ago, my friend Rachel commented that the State of Baseball was just "disgusting" right now. Normally I would have thrown her food to the ground in an indignant manner. But she was right. The game is disgusting, the players are drug-addled, spousal abusing, millionaires and the game is STILL annually breaking records for attendance. And yes, I will join another fantasy baseball league this year. And yes I will still root for the Mets and yes they will let me down again. And yes, I will watch this disgusting game. After all, it beats the hell out of soccer.
Where to begin? Bud Selig, Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, or the exuberant salaries and the ever present threat of a work stoppage. Okay, I'll start with Bud Selig. Owners should not become commissioners. Isn't that a conflict of interest? How could he be trusted to have the best interests of the game at heart when he stands to gain financially when his team does well. Sure, his daughter is the proper owner of the Brewers, but even having a child run a team in a league you are commissioner of is dirty pool. He should have been forced to sell all interests of the Brewers to a non-family member. Nepotism for Nerds.
Another one of Bud's bad decisions is to have the winning team of the All-Star game have home field advantage during the World Series. This ultimately puts the fans - and other assorted nut jobs like myself - in a position to determine the outcome of the World Series, as the fans vote for the starters, and the starters obviously influence the outcome. Sure my All-Star ballot is a shrine to perfection and my choices are impeccable. But YOU? How can I trust YOU to make the right choice. YOU probably voted for your hometown first baseman instead of Albert Pujols, or the scrappy veteran third baseman who signed your kid's baseball in spring training instead of David Wright. Way to go jerk. Way to give the American League (meaning either the Yankees or Red Sox) home field advantage in the world series. Way to go Bud.
At least the Alex Rodriguez train wreck has been interesting. Steroids, Blaming his cousin for putting the idea in his head, AND Madonna. Outstanding. Personally I think he got the steroids from Madge. Have you seen her arms lately? She makes Linda Hamilton from Terminator Two look like Dakota Fanning. Yikes. A-Rod will never be Derek Jeter, for whom I most certainly do not have a man-crush and have never been associated with a stalking charge. (Derek, if your reading this, please return my phone calls. I know you're at home.) A-Rod is the biggest star on the sport's biggest stage and he is guilty of using performance enhancing drugs. Although it seems pretty obvious that he never took 'roids when the game was on the line. His press conference was phony, his tone was insincere he never stuck up for Joe Torre, AND his teammates ALL hate him. Speaking of Jerk-Ass Yankees on steroids....
Isn't it completely awesome that Roger Clemens has perjured himself and that Andy Pettite has to be his Judas Iscariot? The best pitcher in my lifetime, who has won SEVEN Cy Young awards, over 300 hundred wins, and 4600 strikeouts was more juiced than a yuppie leaving Jamba, talking on an iPhone and driving a Land Rover. Through the years Clemens has proven himself to be a liar, an adulterer, (Mediocre Country & Western Singer Mindy McCready - beginning when she was 15 years old. That's right 15 years old. Go ahead and read that again if you need too. Is there a Statute of Limitations on Statutory Rape?), criminally wreckless in his "payback" of players who have historically hit him well (Mike Piazza. Enough Said.), and the Ultimate Me-First guy who was never afraid to hold a franchise hostage for just a little more money and and a lot more attention. He and Brett Favre are two 1st Ballot Hall of Fame Jerk-Asses.
Next on today's docket. Barry Lamar Bonds. The son a baseball great and the Godson of Willie Mays, baseball is in his DNA. It is his pedigree. Barry, unlike Clemens, Sosa, McGuire, et al was a sure-fire Hall of Famer before he used. He was going to get 500 Home Run AND 500 Stolen Bases. No one else has accomplished that in the history of the game. He just got greedy. After arriving in San Fransisco and REALLY hitting the Human Growth Hormone, Barry's head and feet grew. That's right. His shoe size went from a 10.5 to a 13.0. Isn't that completely disgusting? Check out this article:
http://www.slate.com/id/2178288/
So yeah, the game is pretty gross right now. Yesterday at Target I saw a young kid in a Mets hat. If I wouldn't have come across as an early 30's weirdo, I would have tried to convince the kid to turn his back on the game, and specifically my Mets. My Mets are becoming more and more classless. The players have no desire to win (two prolific late season melt downs in the last two years) and the management is looking more and more inept. And while Willie Randolph was never quite the right fit, he shouldn't have been fired in the middle of the night, after the first game of a huge West Coast road trip, and more specifically after a win. In the simplest terms and the most convenient definition, the Mets are a joke.
At dinner a few weeks ago, my friend Rachel commented that the State of Baseball was just "disgusting" right now. Normally I would have thrown her food to the ground in an indignant manner. But she was right. The game is disgusting, the players are drug-addled, spousal abusing, millionaires and the game is STILL annually breaking records for attendance. And yes, I will join another fantasy baseball league this year. And yes I will still root for the Mets and yes they will let me down again. And yes, I will watch this disgusting game. After all, it beats the hell out of soccer.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Simpsons vs. The Family Guy
I know, I know. You, dear reader, are thinking that "WOW - what a refreshing Internet topic! I have never thought about which of these shows I prefer, nor have I read or heard from any other person on this matter." I guess it is true - their really is nothing new under the sun. Well, here are my two cents.
It is scientifically impossible to disprove someone else's opinion. Although I try to do this on a daily basis, I have yet to succeed. The purpose of this blog will be to differentiate between the assets, attributes, and authenticities of these two shows, which have combined to steal roughly 4200 days of my life.
To begin with, it would be easy to dismiss the patriarch of the Griffin family, Peter, as carbon copy of the Simpson's patriarch Homer. Sure, both are overweight, middle class, blue collar ignorami with alcohol addictions. But, would taking points away from Peter for being a rip-off be fair? It could be argued that Homer is a later generation George Jetson and George a Fred Flinstone before him. This particular pop culture tree could be traced back centuries to an Egyptian Pyramid drawing of a fat lazy husband abusing his children for laughs. Of course, if the drawing was of a Pharaoh, the artisan would have surely been disemboweled for all slaves and toilers to see.
The copy-catting of the different/same family members can go down the line. Lois is Marge, Stewie is an Evil Lisa, and Meg and Chris are kind of like Bart. Misguided, mischievous, and maligned, - but at least Bart has intellect and spunk, where as the older to Griffin children are merely and mirrorly stereotypes of the generation they belong to. Where as Bart was an "underachiever and proud of it", Meg and Chris seem to be lazy and underachieving as well, but without any of the angst or intellect that any truly cool and legitimate Rebel inherently possesses. Bart's rebelliousness is nature triumphing over nurture. He can not change who he is.
As for Brian Griffin, is there currently a more endearing, intellectual, and conscience voice of reason on television? The calming yin to Peter's raging yang, Brian stands up for his convictions and ironically seems to mock the current generation that has made The Family Guy so popular. A generation which I am proud, from time to time, to claim as my own. A generation that can elect the first African American president, but is a little too excited to get their celebrity fix and that somehow makes The Smoking Gun, Perez Hilton, and TMZ seem like legitimate news sources.
Is there a more tortured protagonist than Brian Griffin on contemporary television? Sure, we have all seen the episode where Horshack proclaims his love for Mrs. Kotter or are familiar with Kevin Arnold's perpetual pining for Winnie Cooper. However, Brian is in love with his best friend's wife.....the woman who is essentially his master. If he makes his move he is a traitor. If he stays loyal to his best friend, he suffers in silence. Even Lisa eventually lets her guard down long enough for Millhouse to find happiness. (Leading to one of the all time great Simpsons lines - a future episode where Marge assures Lisa that it is indeed acceptable to wear white on her wedding day because "Millhouse doesn't count".)
The Simpsons has a vastly superior supporting cast. A cast full of Disco Dancers, Telemundo Children's Shows Characters, Angry Lunchladies, Gossipy Churchgoers, and Shady Local Business owners. Springfield is truly a village that can raise a child. Quohag, on the other hand, lacks a community feeling and the rich tapestry of interesting neighbors who inhabit Springfield. Sure there is Greased Up Deaf Guy, Mr. Herbert (the locale pedophile), and Joe - the paraplegic neighbor. These characters are one dimensional and uni-faceted. What you see is what you get.
These characters are very funny, and make me howl with laughter during every episode. However, there is a true dichotomy in the fundamental differences between the supporting casts. The Simpson's supporting casts are humans -sweet and flawed and vulnerable with a lot of good and bad mixed in. They exist to show us who we are. The Family Guy players are mean, predatory, and always have ulterior motives. They exist to insult, offend, and hurt the most vulnerable members of our society.
Which brings me back to my original point. It is impossible to disprove someone else's opinion. If you, dear reader, prefer insults to intellect and sinisterism to satire, then the Family Guy is the for you. If you prefer looking in the mirror and seeing the good and the bad in yourself and your neighbors, and believing that even today, the good can sometimes prevail, the The Simpsons is for you.
As for me, I am going to quit writing. South Park is on in five minutes.
It is scientifically impossible to disprove someone else's opinion. Although I try to do this on a daily basis, I have yet to succeed. The purpose of this blog will be to differentiate between the assets, attributes, and authenticities of these two shows, which have combined to steal roughly 4200 days of my life.
To begin with, it would be easy to dismiss the patriarch of the Griffin family, Peter, as carbon copy of the Simpson's patriarch Homer. Sure, both are overweight, middle class, blue collar ignorami with alcohol addictions. But, would taking points away from Peter for being a rip-off be fair? It could be argued that Homer is a later generation George Jetson and George a Fred Flinstone before him. This particular pop culture tree could be traced back centuries to an Egyptian Pyramid drawing of a fat lazy husband abusing his children for laughs. Of course, if the drawing was of a Pharaoh, the artisan would have surely been disemboweled for all slaves and toilers to see.
The copy-catting of the different/same family members can go down the line. Lois is Marge, Stewie is an Evil Lisa, and Meg and Chris are kind of like Bart. Misguided, mischievous, and maligned, - but at least Bart has intellect and spunk, where as the older to Griffin children are merely and mirrorly stereotypes of the generation they belong to. Where as Bart was an "underachiever and proud of it", Meg and Chris seem to be lazy and underachieving as well, but without any of the angst or intellect that any truly cool and legitimate Rebel inherently possesses. Bart's rebelliousness is nature triumphing over nurture. He can not change who he is.
As for Brian Griffin, is there currently a more endearing, intellectual, and conscience voice of reason on television? The calming yin to Peter's raging yang, Brian stands up for his convictions and ironically seems to mock the current generation that has made The Family Guy so popular. A generation which I am proud, from time to time, to claim as my own. A generation that can elect the first African American president, but is a little too excited to get their celebrity fix and that somehow makes The Smoking Gun, Perez Hilton, and TMZ seem like legitimate news sources.
Is there a more tortured protagonist than Brian Griffin on contemporary television? Sure, we have all seen the episode where Horshack proclaims his love for Mrs. Kotter or are familiar with Kevin Arnold's perpetual pining for Winnie Cooper. However, Brian is in love with his best friend's wife.....the woman who is essentially his master. If he makes his move he is a traitor. If he stays loyal to his best friend, he suffers in silence. Even Lisa eventually lets her guard down long enough for Millhouse to find happiness. (Leading to one of the all time great Simpsons lines - a future episode where Marge assures Lisa that it is indeed acceptable to wear white on her wedding day because "Millhouse doesn't count".)
The Simpsons has a vastly superior supporting cast. A cast full of Disco Dancers, Telemundo Children's Shows Characters, Angry Lunchladies, Gossipy Churchgoers, and Shady Local Business owners. Springfield is truly a village that can raise a child. Quohag, on the other hand, lacks a community feeling and the rich tapestry of interesting neighbors who inhabit Springfield. Sure there is Greased Up Deaf Guy, Mr. Herbert (the locale pedophile), and Joe - the paraplegic neighbor. These characters are one dimensional and uni-faceted. What you see is what you get.
These characters are very funny, and make me howl with laughter during every episode. However, there is a true dichotomy in the fundamental differences between the supporting casts. The Simpson's supporting casts are humans -sweet and flawed and vulnerable with a lot of good and bad mixed in. They exist to show us who we are. The Family Guy players are mean, predatory, and always have ulterior motives. They exist to insult, offend, and hurt the most vulnerable members of our society.
Which brings me back to my original point. It is impossible to disprove someone else's opinion. If you, dear reader, prefer insults to intellect and sinisterism to satire, then the Family Guy is the for you. If you prefer looking in the mirror and seeing the good and the bad in yourself and your neighbors, and believing that even today, the good can sometimes prevail, the The Simpsons is for you.
As for me, I am going to quit writing. South Park is on in five minutes.
My 25 FaceBook Things.
Well, here it is....my maiden voyage into Blogdom. At the behest of my friends, I have decided to take the leap and pollute our shared and ever shrinking collective bandwidth with my thoughts, ideas, rants, and raves. I think my friends have given me good advice, as I obviously have a gift that the whole world needs to share. I mean, if you can't trust the people who have loved and cared for you your whole life to be objective about your skills, WHO can you trust?
Along the way there will be bumps and bruises, praise and criticisms, and most assuredly many misspelled words. I am not really sure what I am going to write about, how long I will stay interested in this new endeavor, or if anyone will indeed care. In fact, it is completely plausible that my friends were just being nice to me and indeed think I am yet another talentless hack who thinks he has something interesting to say.
Please don't hate me because my words are beautiful.
1. If I ever meet Shia LeBouf in person, I am going to punch him right in the neck. No Warning, No Clue, No Nothing. He-is-going-down.
2. Insert the singer Bono, in place of Shia LeBouf, in thing #1.
3. I wish U2 and Lynrd Skynrd could magically switch places.
4. Boogie Nights is the best American Film made in my lifetime.
5. Heath Ledger will win the Oscar based on his body of work and his untimely death. But his role in the Dark Knight was still good.
6. How can two brothers-Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) and Ben Savage (Boy Meets World) - make two television shows so vastly differing in quality? And why is Boy Meets World in syndication and not the Wonder Years?
7. Insert cast of Boy Meets World, in place of Bono, in thing #2.
8. George Carlin was just not that funny.
9. Insert the actor/comedian Robin Williams, in place of the cast of Boy Meets World, in thing #7.
10. I hope their is a Zombie Movie Oscar category established in my lifetime.
11. Has this list turned in a "Manifesto"?
12. HBO original programming is brilliant. Just Brilliant. The Larry Sanders Show, Mr. Show, The Sopranos, The Wire, Six Feet Under,Rome, Extras, Flight of the Conchords. I feel spoiled.
13. Go to the theatre and watch "The Wrestler". I am not asking.
14. George Bush Jr, would have made a better baseball commissioner than president. Other things he would have been better equiped to do: Anything Else.
15. It is gonna take a long time to dig our country out of his mess.
16. Although I initially supported Bill Richardson, I volunteered for Barack, and am glad he won. That being said, I think John McCain's election night speech was classy and eloquent.
17. People who can't say anything good about "the other side of the isle" are part of the problem and not the solution."
18. I am all powerful and do indeed know everything. I am also a bit of an egocentric narcissist.
19. I am unstoppable in Trivial Pursuit. This is a direct challenge to anyone who wants to play.
20. David Letterman is my own personal Jesus. Runners up include. Garry Shandling, Bill Murray, Charles Grodin, and Steve Martin.
21. I don't understand the appeal of reality shows.
22. Insert American Idol Judges, in place of actor/comedian Robin Williams, in thing #9.
23. I really like the new Jay Reatard album
.24. Ben Folds and Randy Newman have to be the smartest people in whatever room they are in.
25. A lot of popular contemporary music celebrates ignorance.
26. I wish I would have been a Cardinals fan. The Mets suck.
27. Insert The New York Mets Front Office and Players, in place of American Idol Judges, in thing #22.
28. I want to see Slumdog Millionaire.
29. I have had completely too much coffee.
30. I don't understand why people root against Michigan in every game in which they do not play The Ohio State University. When Michigan does well, it is good for our conference, and good for our program. These people are myopic.
31. Are you still reading? Sucker.
32. The Family Guy is good, but the Simpsons is still smarter. The Family Guy needs to gain about 75 IQ points to compete. Being mean with your comedy can be REALLY funny, but it doesn't make you intelligent. The Family Guy can not touch The Simpsons's satire.
33. I have taken King of The Hill for granted for a lot of years, and will probably miss it when it's gone.
34. Kurt Warner is a good man, but he is not superhuman. People do what he does (in regards to being an advocate for the disabled) everyday, without the fanfare and without nearly any of the financial resources. Most of those people also work two jobs. Kurt Warner is a good person, he is by no means special.
35.The Steelers are the best run organization in all of professional sports.
36. Harry Nilsson died too young.
37. MySpace is clearly superior to FaceBook.
38. Ben Kweller releases a new album on Tuesday. Please buy it and don't steal it.
39. Corporate Chain Restaurants are part of the problem.
40. I am a hypocrite.
41. I am glad President Obama's new stimulus package supports the arts.
42. John Edwards is a real asshole. Wow. I mean, come on! Who does THAT?
43. How the Hell is Jay Leno still on the air? Does anybody REALLY watch him?
44. This list could easily be construed as pompous, arrogant, and self-serving.
45. People who say they are registered "Independents", are just too cool to say the are democrats, even though these same people vote D 90% of the time.
46. I am scared that the last season of SCRUBS will be akin to Michael Jordan playing with the Washington Wizards.
47. Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead are outstanding.
48. How does Nicholas Cage keep headlining movies?
49. I would like to see Adam Sandler return to a dramatic role. Punch Drunk Love was great.
50. I hope Will Ferrell never tries this.
51. I hope Jim Carrey never makes another movie.
52. Why don't Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, William DaFoe, and Gary Oldman get more roles?
53. Are you STILL reading this?
54. Tom Hanks quit being good a long time ago. He needs to do more movies with dogs, volcanoes, mermaids, and John Candy.
55. Rest in Peace, John Candy.
56. Throw Me The Statue and Nada Surf both released really good albums in 2008.
57. My Coffee Buzz is wearing off. I think I have a headache.
58. I have been cigarette free for almost 18 months.
59. Maybe I should start a blog.
60. It is a real shame that Little Brothers and Larry's are both gone.
61. Boycott your local Wal-Mart.
62. I am going to have another cup of coffee.
63. There was only half a cup left.
64. I am sooo lucky to have an amazing support group of friends and family. I don't tell them that nearly enough. Of course, the only way the will find out today is if they read this. What am I supposed to do, Call and tell them? PUH-LEEZE.
65. Bruce Campbell and Bruce Springsteen are both great. I am changing my name to Bruce.
66. Not Really. Bruce Wetli would sound weird. Maybe.
67. I would have stayed in Philadelphia if I wouldn't have had to pay back my scholarship.
68. I have interned for Bill Bradley, The Columbus Clippers, and The Ohio State School f/t Blind.
69. Any good Zombie movie is NEVER about the Zombies. Doy.
70. Only Romero-Style Zombies count.
71. Columbus has a really good arts scene and many fine restaurants. Unfortunately tonight I am going to Applebees and then to go watch an acoustic cover band.
72. If I ever do that, Insert Aaron Wetli - a.k.a. Bruce Wetli, in place of New York Mets Front Office and Players in thing #27.
73. Stauuuuuufs is the best coffee in town.
74. Grandview is indeed superior , in every way shape and form, to Clintonville.
75. That being said, Studio #35 is the best place in Columbus to see a movie.
Along the way there will be bumps and bruises, praise and criticisms, and most assuredly many misspelled words. I am not really sure what I am going to write about, how long I will stay interested in this new endeavor, or if anyone will indeed care. In fact, it is completely plausible that my friends were just being nice to me and indeed think I am yet another talentless hack who thinks he has something interesting to say.
Please don't hate me because my words are beautiful.
1. If I ever meet Shia LeBouf in person, I am going to punch him right in the neck. No Warning, No Clue, No Nothing. He-is-going-down.
2. Insert the singer Bono, in place of Shia LeBouf, in thing #1.
3. I wish U2 and Lynrd Skynrd could magically switch places.
4. Boogie Nights is the best American Film made in my lifetime.
5. Heath Ledger will win the Oscar based on his body of work and his untimely death. But his role in the Dark Knight was still good.
6. How can two brothers-Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) and Ben Savage (Boy Meets World) - make two television shows so vastly differing in quality? And why is Boy Meets World in syndication and not the Wonder Years?
7. Insert cast of Boy Meets World, in place of Bono, in thing #2.
8. George Carlin was just not that funny.
9. Insert the actor/comedian Robin Williams, in place of the cast of Boy Meets World, in thing #7.
10. I hope their is a Zombie Movie Oscar category established in my lifetime.
11. Has this list turned in a "Manifesto"?
12. HBO original programming is brilliant. Just Brilliant. The Larry Sanders Show, Mr. Show, The Sopranos, The Wire, Six Feet Under,Rome, Extras, Flight of the Conchords. I feel spoiled.
13. Go to the theatre and watch "The Wrestler". I am not asking.
14. George Bush Jr, would have made a better baseball commissioner than president. Other things he would have been better equiped to do: Anything Else.
15. It is gonna take a long time to dig our country out of his mess.
16. Although I initially supported Bill Richardson, I volunteered for Barack, and am glad he won. That being said, I think John McCain's election night speech was classy and eloquent.
17. People who can't say anything good about "the other side of the isle" are part of the problem and not the solution."
18. I am all powerful and do indeed know everything. I am also a bit of an egocentric narcissist.
19. I am unstoppable in Trivial Pursuit. This is a direct challenge to anyone who wants to play.
20. David Letterman is my own personal Jesus. Runners up include. Garry Shandling, Bill Murray, Charles Grodin, and Steve Martin.
21. I don't understand the appeal of reality shows.
22. Insert American Idol Judges, in place of actor/comedian Robin Williams, in thing #9.
23. I really like the new Jay Reatard album
.24. Ben Folds and Randy Newman have to be the smartest people in whatever room they are in.
25. A lot of popular contemporary music celebrates ignorance.
26. I wish I would have been a Cardinals fan. The Mets suck.
27. Insert The New York Mets Front Office and Players, in place of American Idol Judges, in thing #22.
28. I want to see Slumdog Millionaire.
29. I have had completely too much coffee.
30. I don't understand why people root against Michigan in every game in which they do not play The Ohio State University. When Michigan does well, it is good for our conference, and good for our program. These people are myopic.
31. Are you still reading? Sucker.
32. The Family Guy is good, but the Simpsons is still smarter. The Family Guy needs to gain about 75 IQ points to compete. Being mean with your comedy can be REALLY funny, but it doesn't make you intelligent. The Family Guy can not touch The Simpsons's satire.
33. I have taken King of The Hill for granted for a lot of years, and will probably miss it when it's gone.
34. Kurt Warner is a good man, but he is not superhuman. People do what he does (in regards to being an advocate for the disabled) everyday, without the fanfare and without nearly any of the financial resources. Most of those people also work two jobs. Kurt Warner is a good person, he is by no means special.
35.The Steelers are the best run organization in all of professional sports.
36. Harry Nilsson died too young.
37. MySpace is clearly superior to FaceBook.
38. Ben Kweller releases a new album on Tuesday. Please buy it and don't steal it.
39. Corporate Chain Restaurants are part of the problem.
40. I am a hypocrite.
41. I am glad President Obama's new stimulus package supports the arts.
42. John Edwards is a real asshole. Wow. I mean, come on! Who does THAT?
43. How the Hell is Jay Leno still on the air? Does anybody REALLY watch him?
44. This list could easily be construed as pompous, arrogant, and self-serving.
45. People who say they are registered "Independents", are just too cool to say the are democrats, even though these same people vote D 90% of the time.
46. I am scared that the last season of SCRUBS will be akin to Michael Jordan playing with the Washington Wizards.
47. Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead are outstanding.
48. How does Nicholas Cage keep headlining movies?
49. I would like to see Adam Sandler return to a dramatic role. Punch Drunk Love was great.
50. I hope Will Ferrell never tries this.
51. I hope Jim Carrey never makes another movie.
52. Why don't Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, William DaFoe, and Gary Oldman get more roles?
53. Are you STILL reading this?
54. Tom Hanks quit being good a long time ago. He needs to do more movies with dogs, volcanoes, mermaids, and John Candy.
55. Rest in Peace, John Candy.
56. Throw Me The Statue and Nada Surf both released really good albums in 2008.
57. My Coffee Buzz is wearing off. I think I have a headache.
58. I have been cigarette free for almost 18 months.
59. Maybe I should start a blog.
60. It is a real shame that Little Brothers and Larry's are both gone.
61. Boycott your local Wal-Mart.
62. I am going to have another cup of coffee.
63. There was only half a cup left.
64. I am sooo lucky to have an amazing support group of friends and family. I don't tell them that nearly enough. Of course, the only way the will find out today is if they read this. What am I supposed to do, Call and tell them? PUH-LEEZE.
65. Bruce Campbell and Bruce Springsteen are both great. I am changing my name to Bruce.
66. Not Really. Bruce Wetli would sound weird. Maybe.
67. I would have stayed in Philadelphia if I wouldn't have had to pay back my scholarship.
68. I have interned for Bill Bradley, The Columbus Clippers, and The Ohio State School f/t Blind.
69. Any good Zombie movie is NEVER about the Zombies. Doy.
70. Only Romero-Style Zombies count.
71. Columbus has a really good arts scene and many fine restaurants. Unfortunately tonight I am going to Applebees and then to go watch an acoustic cover band.
72. If I ever do that, Insert Aaron Wetli - a.k.a. Bruce Wetli, in place of New York Mets Front Office and Players in thing #27.
73. Stauuuuuufs is the best coffee in town.
74. Grandview is indeed superior , in every way shape and form, to Clintonville.
75. That being said, Studio #35 is the best place in Columbus to see a movie.
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